Have you ever seen Dose of Society’s content on social media?

If you haven’t, Dose of Society is an account where the interviewers ask strangers on the street raw, vulnerable questions like:

“What did your last heartbreak teach you?”

“Your last break up – was it your fault or their fault?

“Have you ever lost a friendship you thought would last?”

“What is one experience that has changed your life?” and so on.

I see these questions and I can immediately relate. It’s interesting how different people sometimes have shared experiences or different answers to the same question.

Recently, I watched a clip where the interviewer asked, “What is the worst thing anyone has ever said to you?”

Immediately after hearing the question, I paused. I dropped my phone and reflected. “What’s the worst thing anyone has ever said to me?” I thought deeply and realized I have a lot. Not just one but so many.

Many of these “worst things” didn’t come from anyone, but from people I loved. People who were very close to my heart. People who, at one point, I respected a lot. Think of them as friends and loved ones I saw as family but in hindsight, probably didn’t see me the same way.

Words from these people hurt, it really did and thinking about it now, still does.

But if I were to pick my top 1, it’d be “Only 3 people had an A and don’t worry, you can never be one of them.”

To put the statement into perspective, it was 2016 and I was in my final year of law school. I remember taking extra classes because my GPA was on life support. It was the fight for my life or let’s just say, the fight for my academic life. I was trying to prove a point to myself. To my future and my career.

So, I took the law of Wills and Succession, and I remember when the result finally came out. I was in my school hostel when one of my friends then hurriedly entered my room screaming:

“Ruqoyah, Ruqoyah, the result is out. Ebony, my roommate, has it on her phone. Come to my room and check your grade.”

My friend stormed out as quickly as she told me the result was out. Immediately, I dressed up and ran to her room which was just a floor above mine.

I was so afraid. I needed an A to make it. I was terrified. “What were the odds I’d get an A?” I thought. My mind went back to the exam prep. I pulled an all nighter and God knows, I think I winged the exam.

I sprinted to my friend’s room, and saw Ebony, my classmate. My anxiety spiked. I asked if I could check my grade.

“Of course.” Ebony responded. I was so anxious and then she continued “Only 3 people had an A and don’t worry, you can never be one of them.”

That was gut wrenching. My heart sank. I was devastated. “Am I that average?” I wondered. A part of me believed her while the other hoped for some miracle.

And then she handed me her phone with a form of insolence that I can never forget. I scanned the list with a pounding heart.

And then, I saw my exam number.

Oh God! Please, I need to pass. I muttered to myself.

And in a moment of instant karma, I saw it.

A! Ah! I was one of the three. Heavens! God came through!

I immediately saw Ebony’s face. It dropped. She whispered a disappointing congratulations as I celebrated my victory. It was a win for me. But thinking back, I wonder why Ebony castigated me and said what she said.

Does she even realize she left a scar I won’t forget? Was it something I said? Or did? What gave her the impression that I could never have an A? Does she even remember she made that statement?

As I ruminated on this question, I found myself asking a deeper question “What is the worst thing I ever said to someone?”

Why can’t I think of any? I know I have hurt people inadvertently and unintentionally and except in those situations where my loved ones and I spoke, why can’t I remember?

And then it suddenly hit me, maybe I was to others what Ebony was to me. Maybe I, too, left a scar in someone’s heart with a careless comment I can’t even remember.

Sometimes, the only reason I know I hurt someone is because we talked, or they told me, and we mended. But without that communication, resentment grows. And even if it doesn’t, it lingers. Right?

I recently spoke to a stranger who told me all about uncertainty and confusion. He said and I quote “Uncertainty and confusion lose some of their powers when we speak about them to those who we feel those emotions for.” And I think the same is true for pain.

I wish I was curious enough to have asked Ebony why she made the statement. It was a limiting statement. Shaped perhaps, by her life experiences and how she perceived me. It was a statement that wrote me off as stunted. A person not worthy or even capable of growing. She only saw me one way and couldn’t imagine me any other.

Looking back, I feel sorry for her. I hope she sees differently now.

I hope I do too.

Life is complex, nuanced and very varied. It is always filled with surprises.

Growth comes with life and sometimes, surprise grows with it.

Just like my A grew from Ebony’s doubt.

People grow. People surprise you and sometimes, you surprise yourself.