I have a lot to say today but for strange reasons, I’m struggling. 

It’s difficult because I know what I want to talk about. I have a lot to say. I usually do. A friend once said “Rukkie talks alot“. 

And while I somewhat agree, today feels different because I’m genuinely struggling to put my exact thoughts into words. 

As I worked my way through my feelings, I suddenly remembered my grad school experience. 

Grad school was unlike anything I had ever experienced. It shaped me. Drilled me. Forced me to think critically that for a moment, I started to think about thinking like Rene Descartes. 

I wondered if I was in the wrong profession or program. “Maybe I should have been a philosopher,” I thought. While I certainly didn’t end up as one, I know I gained something far greater. And that is the gift to see the world through critical eyes. 

To put it simply, my grad school experience taught me to ask “why?”. It was a gruesome yet grounding experience. I felt like a child seeing the world anew. I challenged the status quo. Asked so many questions I didn’t know existed, found answers to some and learned to sit with others.

But still, I struggled. 

In hindsight, I think it was because my grad school experience was my first time writing an academic paper. I knew what I wanted to write about. I always did. My research topic was deeply personal to me. It was an area that lit a fire in me. But despite all this, I struggled in many ways. 

There were days I couldn’t digest academic papers and others when I couldn’t even write at all. I questioned my academic endeavor. “Maybe it wasn’t meant for me” I thought. 

I remember talking to one of my professors who told me: 

“Writer’s block happens in academia. What you’re experiencing isn’t new. You just keep going. Rest but don’t stop.”

My professor’s words helped me understand how grad school, like most experiences, wasn’t perfect. It was also meant to drill and shape me. Even though there were goods and not so good days, I still survived. 

I’m not sure why my feelings took me back to grad school as I worked through today’s struggle, but I think the whole point was to find strength in my professor’s words.

So, for myself and anyone reading this:

What you’re experiencing isn’t new. You just keep going. Rest but don’t stop. 

Oh, and if you’re ever wondering if I completed my research… I did.

 You can see the proof here: https://digitalcommons.schulichlaw.dal.ca/llm_theses/119/ 

But I’m warning you, it’s over 100 pages long!