Within the depths of my soul, I found what I needed to hear, and maybe you will too.

I’m going out of my way to celebrate myself! It’s a new chapter. A new beginning. Full of hope, sometimes doubt, and fear. 

I never thought of writing myself a note as my excitement for my birthday was at an all time high, until lately. I know I am introspective, so let me do this. I also thought deeply about posting this, or rather my, note and decided to because who knows, someone out there might need to hear this. 

So grab some coffee with a creamer of patience (cause this will take more than a minute!) and come with me as I show you a “never-before-seen-footage of my thoughts’ rawness” 😀

Okay, here we go —>

Incertidumbre… (Uncertainty)

The last 22 months have been the craziest so far but Alhamdulilah for the gift of faith.

Think of when you see “intermission” flash across the screen in a Bollywood movie. You know something’s about to get interesting. Only this time, I don’t know what is.

 The choices we make define us.

The words we say —and how we say them—reveal who we are, what we are, our past experiences, what traumatized and still traumatizes us and whether we’ve healed or are consciously making the effort to heal. 

You may not realize it, but how you carry yourself speaks volumes about your history. What you’ve been through. Whether you’re broken or breaking. Whether you are healed or healing. 

Al buscarme…. (In search of myself)

Who am I?

In 2021, Eomeoni hugged and prayed for me as I was about to start a journey into the unknown. Before saying goodbye, I vividly recall how she told me to “Remember whose child you are.” But beyond being the daughter of the great Ibrahim Wahab 7.7 and the beautiful Sinata Adjoto, who am I?

While I always knew the answer to this question, I stop and ask – why do I do the things I do? 

You see, I always thought I had answered this key question until recently, I realized it’s not a question. It’s a series of questions. A question loaded with questions that isn’t one off but is consistently ongoing and will continue to evolve till I breathe my last on this earth. 

It’s a question that requires me to dig deep within my soul and unearth what’s within me in the quest of finding answers. Whether I admit it or not, I’ve picked up things in my environment subconsciously—these then become habits, or patterns as I like to call them.

But lately, I’ve found myself asking: Why? A lot of whys. 

Las preguntas… (Questioning)

• Why do I react/overreact sometimes?
• Why do I feel I sometimes have to be right?
• Why do I overthink?
• Why do I cherish deep connections?
• Why do I think I cannot dance?
• Why do I feel betrayed and unsupported by some people?
• Why do I do the things I do?
• Why do I say what I say?
• Why did I choose my values?
• Why do I feel strong?
• Why do I suddenly feel so weak?
• Why do I focus on my good intentions without always considering how they land on others or its consequences? (As my big sister once said, the road to hell starts with good intentions.)
• Why have I come to realize that I could be the villain in another’s story no matter how well my intention is?
• Why have I come to realize that I could be a double edged sword possessing the very traits I look for and avoid in others as well as what others look for and avoid?
• Why am I guarded?
• Why do I get anxious or panicky when I—or someone I love—is upset?
• Why has my energy been low since this year started? 

• Why am I afraid?
• Why am I afraid to confront my fears?
• Why is one of my biggest fears getting it wrong—or doing life wrong?
• Why does that fear make me push others away, even subconsciously?
• Why am I afraid of grief—whether it hits me like a wave or silently creeps up during my night sleep?
• Why am I afraid of loss and heartache?
• Why have I finally come to terms that loss and separation are the hardest things—next to the death of a loved one—I never want to experience again?
• Why does my heart still ache from the hurt I experienced from people I trusted and depended on for safety and support?
• Why have I learned that some bonds, once broken, leave a silence louder than grief?
• Why have I learned that some endings carve valleys so deep, even time hesitates to fill them?

• Why did my body feel so overwhelmed this year for the first time ever for weeks with my heart continuously racing, breath shallow, mind fragmented and fear activated—until I kept numbing myself with sleep just to escape my reality?
• Why is my always clean, pristine, put together and zen like (as one of my friends calls it) looking room suddenly scattered while I surprisingly look on?
• Why does the current state of my living space feel like a mirror of my silent battles? 

Why? 

La necesidad de entendimiento… (The necessity of understanding)

At the very core of our human existence lies doubt and confusion. Clearly, God created these emotions within us.

Think about it. You start a new job as a rookie, unsure of what’s required. You ask questions to get clarity which eventually fosters confidence.

You arrive at a new city, unsure of your surroundings, ask Google map for directions so you can arrive at your destination.

You start studying in a new country, unsure of your environment, you ask questions around and you are finally able to locate your classroom.

You have an existential crisis, unsure of yourself and life, start asking questions only to be reborn using the answers you find. 

Doubt, uncertainty, and confusion have exposed me to the unknown world of mastery and potential confidence. I have doubted in one instance, been confused in another and on some occasion, been through both. But within the heart of doubt and confusion lies the beautiful concept of why. Rather than accept these emotions for what they are at face value, I’ve discovered power in framing them as questions. Questions that made me curious. Curiosity that led to answers. Answers that ultimately make me who I am today. 

Curiosity is my second name but I realized I haven’t exactly been curious with myself. Not because I don’t want to but because I didn’t take a moment to pause and recognize it for what it is. Sadly, this came at a great cost with moments lost, mistakes made and errors overlooked.

Right now, I see all situations as opportunities to learn about myself. I will always ask myself the hard truth of why because the answer will surely and definitely set me free. 

Los perdidos y lecciones… (Losses and lessons)

Yes. I have loved and lost—some to death, others to time.

The last 14 months have taught me how to be strong, even on days I have to feign it. Some call it “fake it till you make it”. I call it “showing up when you have no choice.”

I’ve cried in one moment, then smiled when I had to the very next instance. I’ve done the work on days when I never wanted to or had the will to carry on. I delivered on assignments while not understanding what I was doing and was going through anxiety, fear, uncertainty, heartache, and sadly, while my mental and emotional wellbeing were barely hanging on.

I faced a failure I never anticipated at a critical juncture that could make or break me and learned to trust Allah and Allah only. I knew what it meant to depend on only God in situations when it’s only you that can get the job done after family, friends and sometimes random strangers online have done everything they could to help and support me.

I’ve witnessed doubts and unexpected endings. I’ve cried from my heart while shaking with fear, and loss. I’ve hugged myself on days I needed warmth but found none at all. Most importantly, I’ve seen Allah’s grace manifest in my life.

El pesar… (Grief)

Grief. A gift from God to the world. A signage that reflects how deeply we loved and cared for those and what we lost or couldn’t have.

Nothing, and I mean absolutely nothing, prepared me for grieving the death of loved ones as well as what was, what is and what could have been. I never knew this before grief decided I was due for a visit. It first crept up on me as an August visitor while I was gently packing and putting my house in order. Grief didn’t come knocking on my door, it came with three different strikes that broke down the doors I had up to protect and make me safe. It found me and made a home and sanctuary out of my space.

Grief is a mixture of life’s irony. It’s funny yet sad. Understanding yet assuming. Warm yet cold. Accommodating yet upsetting. Thankful yet regretful. 

Grief doesn’t get better with time. It never does. Managing to have it as a housemate is what time makes better. And as much as I hate to admit it, grief transformed my heart and soul from having an iron core to becoming the softest thing possible.

It went from being a stranger that tore down my house to being a friend. A friend that helped me process and understand my emotions better. 

El regalo de la gente… (The gift of people)

I must also say Alhamdulilah for the gift of people.

Anyone who knows me know I have few but really bountiful relationship with my family and small circle of friends I now thankfully call family. These were people who have shown and continues to show up. Watched me cry and wipe my tears. Reminded me why I needed to carry on and get the job done on days I never thought I could and maybe, quite frankly, I didn’t.

Fed me when I didn’t even realize I was hungry, hadn’t eaten and didn’t know I looked like a mess. Showed me care when I thought I didn’t deserve it. Picked me up when all I wanted was to be down. Cried with me. Held me tight when I grieved those and what I lost.

Showed up when all I did was summon them and cried for help. Forgave me when I was at my worst. Understood me and still came knocking on my door even after I had closed it out of fear and anxiety. Chastised me with their left hand while embracing me with the right one. Forgave me before pointing out and understood shortcomings I wasn’t aware I had.

Having the gift of people is powerful. It may be one or two or ten or twenty. But whatever you do Ujeinijobog, have the gift of quality people around you. 

Crecimiento y cambios… (Growth and change)

Growth comes with change but does change come with growth?

I believe in the former but not necessarily the latter. We’ve, at one point or the other, heard that change is constant. Yes, that’s true but whatever change you go through, be a butterfly Rukkie. Change into something beautiful. Change to grow. Change to fly high and higher. Change to add beauty to yourself and environment. Change with great growth and grow with change. 

Capítulo Nuevo (A new chapter)

This is a new chapter for me and I’m thankful for the lessons I’ve learned. There are so many things I learned but my top 3 is to:

1. Be consciously grateful for the things I have right now. The key word is “consciously”. While I might have been grateful in the past, I was never consciously grateful. Appreciate the things you have and what you can feel. Little things like seeing the sunrise every morning counts and now makes me happy. 

2. Live in the now and do what needs to be done because as we hope to see tomorrow, the reality is, we aren’t promised one. It’s better to be rejected than live with regrets. As someone who’s witnessed different shades of loss, I’ll say carpe diem! Seize the day. I wished I knew this earlier and would have done things differently before moments became memories. 

3. Always show up. Do what needs to be done. Study even all you had to do is stare at the words without understanding anything. Pray even if you don’t feel like it. Be confident even if you do not believe it. Smile even when you are crying. Tell yourself you’re enough and deserve love, care and empathy even if you don’t think so. Comport yourself even if your system is disorganized. Be your friend and the best version of yourself. And most importantly, show yourself the grace and mercy you expect others to give you. It’s hard (even for me) but try and keep trying. 

El final… (The end)

You’ve come a long way, even if some days don’t feel like it. And that matters.

Happy birthday (in advance) Opeyemi. To another year of asking, growing and becoming. 

Soy inquebrantable… I am unbreakable

Breathe. Soak it in. Just…breathe…

April 18, 2025. 9.57am EST (edited April 19, 2025. 2.51am EST)
Final edit (I hope) April 21, 2025. 4.43am EST
(Edited final final edit (for real)) May 5, 2025. 4.37am EST
On my bed. 21XX-23XX DSWT